Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
