I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
