She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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