I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
