I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
