After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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