You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
