I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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