Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
