She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
