Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my liver is dry heaving
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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