frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You're like the curious george of whores
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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