if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize