Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
