I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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