I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
