rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Randomize
