I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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