either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
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