Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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