:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
