She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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