i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
