did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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