i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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