You were right. It hurts to walk today.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
