"it" just moved
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
