I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
