so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
