I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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