Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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