Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
