I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
