After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
