Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
