I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
