you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
PANTIES FOUND
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