When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
