My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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