you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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