Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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