mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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