I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
