thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
