I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize