Do you still have your period?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
