look no pants
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
