If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
