This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
