so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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