Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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