im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
