Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
