The maid of honor just puked.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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