I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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