maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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