His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
