he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
