Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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