I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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