You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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