He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
